by Matt Benoit
There’s something amazingly mystical, and kind of creepy, about those who can supposedly see beyond the present—those special few who can shut their eyes or stare into a crystal ball and actually visualize your fate, only to then look at you, shake their head and go, “Bummer, man.”
With the recent passing of Paul the psychic octopus, whose amazing ability to predict the winners of last summer’s World Cup matches wowed the planet, there is a massive void for Famous Foreseers of the Future (or FFF) that must be filled.
Who can take up this responsibility, you might ask? Perhaps Carl, the clairvoyant catfish, or even Ted, the telepathic tree sloth?
I think I should be the one to take up the octopus mantle of extra-sensory perception, and I can prove to you right here that I can, in fact, see the future.
With the year drawing to a close, I’d like to present to you a list of predictions (or premonitions, or, as I like to call them, premodictions) for the year to come, which entered my mind after I awoke from a hallucinogenic state the night after consuming four cans of the now-banned Four Loko alcoholic energy drink:
1) After the failure of a ballot measure regarding privatization of liquor stores, and with increasing budget deficits for institutions of higher learning, Gov. Christine Gregoire will announce that state-run liquor stores will be opened on the grounds of all Washington State Community and Technical Colleges.
Welding classes at BTC will see a dramatic increase in injuries, and questions about what your professors might act like if drunk will finally be answered.
2) A sequel to George Clooney’s 2010 film “The American” will be combined with the sequel to Johnny Depp’s 2010 film, “The Tourist.” It will be called “The American Tourist.”
3) Capitalizing on the growing trend of 3-D movies and re-igniting the debate on global warming, Al Gore’s Oscar-winning 2006 documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth,” will be re-released in theaters…in 3-D. Pie charts and bar graphs of skyrocketing carbon dioxide emissions will appear to leap out of the screen, directly towards enthralled audience members.
4) Dick Cheney will suffer yet another heart attack, and will be further set back when his new show on the Outdoor Life Network, “Quail Hunting with Dick Cheney,” is cancelled after he fatally wounds a cameraman.
5) The Seattle Mariners will fail to make the playoffs for the tenth straight season, prompting the Mariner Moose to announce his retirement from baseball in order to spend more time in the forest riding ATVs and dancing like only a uniform-wearing moose with an over-sized head can dance.
Also, the long-suffering Chicago Cubs will finally win the World Series. Immediately afterward, permanent darkness and a plague of flesh-eating locusts will descend upon most of Illinois.
6) On Fox News, Bill O’ Reilly will get mad and yell at someone, while Glenn Beck will cry. Also, Sarah Palin will utter the phrase “ya’ betcha” on-air 3,437 times during the course of the year.
In the nation’s capital, President Obama’s hair will continue to gray out. Vice president Joe Biden will say something he will later regret.
7) The Rolling Stones will embark upon their 19,785th U.S. tour, but will be forced to cancel the bulk of their dates when Mick Jagger’s face falls off in the middle of the band’s first performance at Madison Square Garden.
8 ) Pope Benedict XVI, head of the Catholic Church, will further enhance his mainstream image by releasing his first hip-hop album, “The True Confessionals of a Pimped-Out Pontiff.”
9) In a stunning announcement, Pauxatawny Phil, the legendary rodent behind Groundhog Day, will announce that he is to undergo a sex change operation and become Pauxatawny Phyllis.
10) Andrew Lloyd Webber’s classic musicals, “The Phantom of the Opera” and “Cats” will return to Broadway next fall, but will be performed entirely using auto-tune.
11) In response to the wide-ranging effects of the down economy, Grammy-award-winning rapper 50 Cent will announce that, due to inflation, he will change his stage name to 75 Cent.
So there you have it. This, and much, much more, certainly awaits us in the coming year.
At least I think so.
Or maybe it’s just the Four Loko talking.