By Matt Benoit
With Valentine’s Day drawing near, I’ve been thinking (as I often tend to do): How come Cupid never ages? If he’s been shooting people with arrows of love for hundreds of years, why does he still look like a Cabbage Patch Kid who’s good at archery? Shouldn’t he look more like a combination of John Belushi’s character from Animal House, Keith Richards, and Yoda by now?
Well anyway, I’m still single, and in light of this fact, I’ve been considering more and more those online matchmaking services you see advertised on television. You know, the ones like EHarmony.com, created by that old, gray-haired dude who’s probably had 15 failed marriages?
The ads depict these happy couples who were matched up based on a number of non-shallow, “true compatibility” traits like being able to remember to put the toilet seat down, having all your teeth, and not forgetting things like anniversaries and/or your partner’s birthday.
I was seriously considering paying money to join one of these online matchmaking sites when an idea hit me harder than Chris Brown in a fit of rage: What if I could, like the old, gray-haired dude who’s probably had 15 failed marriages, create my own match-making service to help many other people achieve their own perfect, romantic happiness?
Well, in thinking about what section of the population is in need of such a service, it occurred to me that the ever-growing U.S. prison population could benefit from this. And that’s why I’m happy to introduce EFelony.com, where “for every cell mate, there’s a soul mate.”
We’re much deeper than just looks, as our 15-point compatibility system will match you up based upon traits such as the length of your sentence, prior arrest records, and the number of hours you’ll spend picking up trash by the side of the road. So, whether you give Brad Pitt a run for his money or were once stood up by the Elephant Man, we’re confident EFelony.com can help you find the inmate of your dreams.
Here’s just one happy testimonial:
JONESY “YEAH, I DID IT, OKAY?” JOHNSON: Being a convicted felon serving 75 years without the possibility of parole, I really didn’t believe there’d be someone out there—or should I say, in here—for me. But thanks to EFelony.com, I can forget this confinement being a “solitary” one! Okay O.J., you ready for your daily shanking?
O.J. Simpson: Oh no…
Well, if that doesn’t speak to true happiness, then I don’t know what does.
EFelony.com truly cares about helping you find the right “partner-in-crime,” as it were, which is why we’re happy to give you the first month of our services absolutely free when you subscribe by Valentine’s Day!
And, if you don’t find someone right for you after six months, we’ll stop looking because—not only are you in prison, but you’ve got to be some kind of sick, perverted, and disgusting-looking individual to have not found anybody willing to date you after all this time.
So, whether you’re currently in prison or on your way there, remember EFelony.com this Valentine’s Day. It will hopefully make you prison couples out there happy, and make me filthy rich.
And if this isn’t a smashing success, I don’t know what I’ll do. I guess there’s always that idea for a “Squirrels Gone Wild” DVD collection.