by Matt Benoit
Spring is in the air, and with it, so are the cries of love. And with the cries of love are probably herpes, but let’s not get into that. What spring means for you, as a college student, is that it’s time to pick those classes for next quarter, which will be waiting for you when you return from spring break in Cabo in a beer-stained heap of confusion.
So, let’s keep all our clothes on for now and take a look at some of the more interesting courses and workshops being offered at Whatcom:
“F***ing Math!” (FMATH666)—For those who hate math! Sit around and curse the evil and complicated non-sense that is mathematics! G**damn it! Class will burn textbooks in gigantic bonfire at end of quarter. For non-math majors only.
Baseball Trivia (HIST162) —Have you ever wanted to know who the starting pitcher was for Game 3 of the 1972 World Series? No? Oh, well. This class will explore the history of “America’s favorite pastime,” even though football clearly has a bigger fanbase. Among topics included for class discussion: Should the designated hitter get into the hall of fame? Also discussed will be the topic of who’s “juicin’,” and by “juicin’,” I do not mean who’s squeezing liquid out of fruit.
Survey of Female Cleavage (PERV115)—An overview (literally), as class will spend most of their time looking down from open windows around campus to check out various displays of female cleavage. Pre-requisite: Perversion101.
Human Sexuality (PSYCXXX)—This popular Whatcom psychology course is now being taught by a new instructor, Tiger Woods. Includes a field trip to Hooters.
Intro to (Hitch) Hiking (PE542)—This course will teach you how to try to get complete strangers to pick you up and drive you somewhere by standing on the side of the road with your thumb stuck up in the air like a total idiot. Taught by that guy you always pass who’s on the side of the road trying to get a ride up to Baker whenever there’s fresh powder.
Survey of Budget Cuts (ECON$$$)—An overview on why no one has any money for anything anymore, and why it totally blows. Taught by new instructor, Gov. Christine Gregoire.
Intro to Gossip (CMST411)—Introduction to the principles of gossip in a variety of settings, with an emphasis on the application and acquisition of skills. So, did you hear about Jennifer? No? Oh, girl, she was so bad! Let me tell you what I heard…
The Worst Films Ever Made (FILM000) —Film instructor Michael Falter teaches a course studying the worst films ever made, and what makes them suck so much. Movies to be examined include: Plan 9 from Outer Space, Jaws: The Revenge, Ishtar, Gigli, and all six Saw films. Yes, you must actually watch the films in order to receive credit for the course, but vomit bags will be provided.
“Law and Order: Paralegal Intent” (PLSL&O)—The new curriculum of the paralegal program, this set of courses will now be entirely made up of having to watch every single episode of the popular television drama, Law and Order. Classes to be held Wednesdays at 10 p.m., on NBC.
One-Hit Wonders (MUSC001) –Dr. Christopher Roberts teaches a riveting seminar on the history of one-hit wonders in popular music, and what the hell happened to the artists all these years later. What did happen to Wang Chung, anyway?
Lost Survey (CONFUSE???)—A course on the wildly popular (but also wildly confusing) ABC drama Lost, now in its absurdly complicated final season. Taught by the show’s writers, who are the only ones who seem to understand what’s going on.
“What the hell is that thing?” (ART911) —Be laughed at by your instructor when she tries to figure out what that lop-sided lump of clay you just spent two hours working on actually is!
“Why hasn’t Obama fixed everything by now?” (POLS365)—President Obama has been in office for over a year now, and America has still not changed into that perfect, amazingly transformed utopia we were all expecting him to create for us. What gives? Take this class and find out.
Mascot101 (PE257)—Learn to dress up and act the part of our amazing mascot, the Orca! Students will engage in many aerobic activities while dressed as the mascot, including jumping jacks, weight lifting, and basketball.
Intro to Waterboarding (POLS043)—Learn the effective torture techniques used to keep our country safe, as taught by former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney.
Student Failure Workshops:
Creative Cheating—A new workshop designed to tip students off on the latest and greatest ways to fool your instructor and get away with cheating. No faculty allowed.
“It’s too nice out, so screw it; I’m not going to class”—The sun is shining, flowers are blooming, and class is soooo boring. So forget it! Why go to class? This workshop discusses all the fun things you can do outdoors when ditching school to frolic in the sunshine.
Community Education Classes:
Understanding the Starbucks menu—What the hell is a grande, anyway?
Relationship Seminar: Why the woman is always right—Enough said.
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