New winter classes and clubs you’ll wanna check out…maybe

OPINION

By Matt Benoit

Well, it’s almost the end of the quarter, and that can only mean one thing: free beer on campus! No, wait, that’s not it. Actually, it means finals, but it also means signing up for your next quarter’s-worth of classes (which hopefully will not be the same ones you took this quarter).

So, in the interest of serving you, the student, I thought I’d share some of the new and interesting classes and clubs coming to Whatcom for winter quarter. Let’s take a look:

Classes:

Navigation 100, with your instructors, Northwest Airlines pilots Timothy Cheney and Richard Cole. Learn how to overshoot your destinations by at least 150 miles!

Intro to Quail Hunting, with former vice president Dick Cheney. Bullet-proof vest recommended.

The Art of Bathroom Stall Graffiti (ART666)—Learn how to scribble racist, sexist, or just plain weird-ass crap onto the partitions of the college’s bathroom stalls in an aesthetically-pleasing manner.

Tone-deaf Choir (MUS126)—Do you notice people laughing, cringing, or putting in ear plugs any time you burst into song? Have you ever considered that you might be tone-deaf, and, as a result, a really crappy singer? Well, now’s your chance to find out. Open auditions will be held for students who can’t hold a note.

“2012—why we’re all gonna die!” (HIST149)—Learn about the prophecies of the end of days coming in 2012, and find out what to do when the world starts to crumble like a fractured saltine cracker, and we’re all totally screwed (except for John Cusack). Who needs that degree if you won’t be around to use it?

Penultimate Frisbee (PE146)-Not quite as good as Ultimate Frisbee, but pretty close.

Personal Finance 100 (BUS100) with your instructors, AIG’s board of directors and U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Learn how to lose billions of dollars, and then just ask the government for more!

Ponzi Scheming 101 (BUS247), with guest lecturer Bernard Madoff. Prerequisite: Greed 100.

“Hiking the Appalachian Trail” (PE147), with South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford. Features a field trip to Argentina.

Public Speaking 162 (CMST162), with instructors Kayne West and U.S. Representative Joe Wilson. Learn how to interrupt and sabotage the speeches and conversations of everyone from presidents to pop stars!

Texting Messaging 101 (CMST101)—Lern how to txt mess. in class w/o prof’s knowledge! OMG, ROTFL! UR MY BFF!

Northwest Winter Weather Systems (WET365), with Bernie Dougan. Learn about the winter weather systems of the great Northwest. Poncho required.

The Art of Losing (SUK202), with the Detroit Lions. Learn the advanced techniques needed to prevent your team from winning much of anything and ensuring the absence of postseason appearances. Prerequisites: Allowing the other team to score (SUK101), Who needs possession? (SUK100).

Community Ed Classes:

Transitioning into Retirement, with Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre.

Special seminar: “the art of debating”—Learn how to yell and scream about universal healthcare and the secret communist plots of Barack Obama, just like our nation’s top protestors! Obama-Hitler mustache posters WILL be available!

“Oh my God! What is that?”-How to control your reaction to seeing that big yellow orb in the sky, better known as the sun, during Northwest winters.

New clubs:

Sleep Deprivation Club-Meets at 2:30 a.m. every Monday. Bring a case of Red Bull and some NoDoz.  The club’s advisor, Sandy Mann, will shine a flashlight in your eyes once every hour to make sure you’re still awake.

Laziness Club—attendance, participation not required. Will meet when they “get around to it.”

“Twilight” Club—Turn into a young vampire and make really bad movies.

Student Failure Workshops:

“Ignoring the alarm clock and other new ways to ditch class”—“Hey man, this class is boring…why show up?”

“Homework? What homework?”—Learn how to treat the homework schedule less like a requirement and more like a suggestion.

“Where did all my money go?”-How to blow your budget on things like liquor, gambling, members of the opposite sex, and products sold on late-night infomercials.

“How to get on your instructor’s bad side”—Learn the fine techniques required to really push your luck with your professor, including mimicry and verbal abuse in the classroom, as well as sending several hundred e-mails to their in-box every day.

Procrastination Seminar—class has been postponed.


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